Um, yeah. It's the new year and yet I don't feel any different.
This year has been a windwhirl of events for me. With my o levels and everything, toooooo oh oh nine has passed waaaay too fast for my liking. I do have many regrets though; mostly about my studies and my family.
I feel really guilty about my family. We usually go out for dinner on the weekends but I didn't join them much for the whole of this year. Sometimes it was because I was studying, but it was mostly because I was lazy to go out. Now that I think about it, I feel that it was really really really selfish of me not to go with them. Especially when my mom pleaded me to come out and I rejected her without much thought. I feel terrible, really. I also feel really bad about not spending time with my siblings, especially with my sister. I feel that I have missed out so much..but yet I'm not doing anything about it. Even now when I'm free, I still push her away sometimes. I really really feel so bad about that. Then again, I've had my fair share of fights with my parents about my future and shit, so yeah, 2009 has been a really emotional year for me. Still, I'd like to apologise to my family for being such a pain and thank you for enduring with my nonsense. I can't bring myself to say it to them and they don't read my blog but...yeah. Even if I might not seem like it, I really do regret every single quarrel we've had.
Shit, I'm crying now.
Then on to my studies. I definitely regret not studying earlier. What the fuck was I doing in january?! I don't know why...I just didn't see the urgency in anything back then. Even when I was the 2nd last in class for the mid years, I still wasn't bucking up. How I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into the me back then. 'If onlys' are shit, man. Now I'll just have to pay for what I didn't do if my results turn out shitty. But does that even matter anymore? I'm going to have to do a shitfuck engineering course just to ensure that I can make a living in the future. My parents want me to do it, I see the sense in doing it, but i seriously motherfucking hate it. Like, srsly, piss off and die.
Then again, my parents don't make me feel any better when they try to convince me that engineering is the best route to go. It always ends up being a lecture on how lousy the stuff I wanna do is, how useless it will be to the society. Like, fuck this man, I just wanna do stuff like mass comm or visual comm. I don't hate my life but srsly, what the hell. So yeah, this load has been weighing down on me for the longest time. When I was 15, I was so shitfuck naive to believe that my parents would allow me to go into the course I've wanted. This just sucks. Now they want me to do robotics like my brother and lecture me on wasting my time. For god's sake, I'm on holiday now!
Enough of pessimistic shit.
I don't know what kind of year 2010 will be like, but hopefully I'll learn to enjoy what I'll have to do. I hate to be forced to do something I don't like but then again, I'll have to make the best out of it. Craploads of shit have happened this year, but I really really admire my mom for being so tolerant and strong for all of us. Thank you <33333333 [This is just so hard to say irl. srsly.I want to, but I don't know how to.]
So, thank you to all of you that have made my 2009. To my classmates of 4e5; I never thought we'd bond so well. Even if I have spoken to some of you for less than 5 times throughout then entire 2 years that we were classmates, I thank you for being part of us. So yeah, to Regine, Clifton, Alicia, Michelle, Wen, Syaz and Gerald[ for helping me with my math], thank yoooooooooouuuuuu. I'm going to miss secondary school life alot.
To Kani, Alcie and Bryan ILU HAHAHAHA FANKS SO MUCHIIIEEXZXZ and to all the new rori friends I've made this year! Oh oh and to Rox and Yeqi and Janice and Syaz that always make manga class interesting 8D
So my resolutions for 2010 are....
❤ To try my best to like what I'm going to have to do
❤ To try my best in everything that I attempt to do
❤ TO SING MORE L'ARC KTV.omg i love singing like wtf
❤ To try to be more forgiving
❤ To be less mean
❤ To handle my money better
❤ To keep these resolutions
And errrr I'd like to apologise to Jo as well for whatever that happened because back then my thinking was completely irrational and off...so yeah.
Current Music: Metropolis - L'arc en ciel